Letters From Jay-Jay

My dear Peter,

Happy St. Valentine’s Day, sweetheart! I know that you were looking down on us today, and I bet you’re so happy to see me being spoilt by the hubbster.

I am so confident that you and he’d get on well; you always joked that you were my ‘type,’ and, now, so is he, bless him! You’d love his sense of humour, and how kind he is.

You will always be the love of my life, and our experiences together will always be so real, and mean so much to me. I know for sure that there is a Heaven, as I have seen it when I was poorly – and I know that one day, I will get to see you again.

I can go on with my life, now, knowing that I can look forward to that day. Bless you. He looks after me, and I love him so much – but he could never replace you. You are both so very special. ❤

Love

Jay-Jay

Xxxx

• 

Dearest Peter,

Watching this television program is a quite upsetting experience, to be honest. It’s all about people talking about their psychotic experiences – they must be so very brave, to talk about it so openly, like that.

There was a doctor too, who was speaking about excess of different chemicals in the brain. That may well be true, but it doesn’t really take into account how very real these experiences are, to the people who go through it.

I’m going to be really honest here, and say that actually, I really, really miss some aspects of my experiences. Not the hospital part, obviously, or worrying everyone.

What psychosis was like for me, was that I believed that I had the family I’ve always wanted. I saw a group of people around me, including my adopted kids (who were then grown up). I also saw you, my dear Peter. In this alternative “life,” past life, whatever you want to call it, you were my beloved partner.

Some days, it seems like a cosmic act of bullying, giving me “hallucinations,” of what I want most in all the world. I can’t have kids now, for medical reasons, which really hurts.

Other days, I just miss you, Peter, so much so that it takes my breath away some days. I just miss you, darling. I don’t like it sometimes when people use medical speak about my experiences, as in a part of me, I’m secretly hoping to see you again. Does that even make sense?

My dear hubby in this current life that I’m living, Teddy, has been so wonderful and supportive. You’d love him – he takes such good care of us both, bless him. It’s got a lot to do with my respect and concern for him, that I continue co-operating with mental health services. I always do, though, to the best of my ability.

Perhaps the saving grace has been my encounters with spiritualism. I went to see a medium more out of curiosity than anything else, and he started coming out with things about you, from your nickname for me – “Jay-Jay,” – to your favourite food. Is it bad that it gave me hope, that one day I might see you again? I just really, really miss you.

I think it’s wonderful, that people are talking about these things more in the media – though at times it is excruciating, as they keep hitting raw nerves.

Oh, do you like the cross stitch that I have completed, hunny? I find sewing very soothing, and it keeps my hands occupied.

Yours with love,

Jay-Jay

Dear Peter,

Hi hun! Okay, first of all, as promised, a picture of my gorgeous new boys. Don’t they look lovely?

It was my CPN ( Community Psychiatric Nurse) who suggested that I begin a blog, you know; Faye is one of the good ones. Over the years, I’ve had more health workers than I can shake a stick at, and trust me, they do vary! The following is a transcript, verbatim, of a conversation I’ve had with one of the very worst (not, of course, Faye):

“What birth control are you using?”
“Well, okay, um… We use…”
“Make sure that you always use condoms. I wanna make sure that there’s no more like you around!”

The stigma surrounding mental health issues is truly appalling. It would be a national scandal if physical health issues were treated in this way, and one’s mental health is just as important.

I have bipolar disorder and anxiety, and it’s so important that we talk about these things. When I tell people about my experience with hearing voices, people sometimes look at me as if I’m an axe murderer or something.

I guess I’m really lucky, in that I’m able to contextualise the voices somewhat. My Spiritualist beliefs, combined obviously with appropriate medical care, mean that I’m not afraid, as I would be otherwise.

I’m truly honoured to have you as my Spirit Guide, Peter love. I feel really blessed and happy to have you in my life.

Yours,

Jay-Jay

• 

Dear Peter,

Hello lovely. How are you today? I hope, when you’re reading this, that you’re well, and comfy.

I remember that you guffawed when I told you, that I would one day name a rat after you!

“Coming from you, I’ll take that as a compliment!” you chuckled. You should take it as one, really, because rats really are super-duper awesome little beings. Well, today is that day! I’ve become mummy to a pair of new little boys: Peter Junior (PJ) and Jake.

I didn’t get many positive votes from the wider family about my new additions, which did make me a bit sad – but hey, as long as everyone in my household is happy – and they are – I guess that’s the main thing.

I have always been interested in ratties, ever since I was small. They just fascinate me; they’re so intelligent and curious, and so darn cute and loveable. These two were on an adoption site, and their former carer says that they’re a very tame and loving couple of guys. I’ll pop up some pics in a couple of days, once they’ve had chance to settle down.

In the meantime, here’s a photo of their big brother, Pippin. We adopted him from a shelter years ago, and he’s a big, soft, loveable goofball. He can be really daft, too; he’s eaten our sofa, and only today, he broke a dish. It’s a good thing we love him!

This is my first blog post ever! I hope it works out ok.

Love always,

Jay-Jay

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton